Supporting him!!

My husband has been contemplating having Bariatric surgery for a while. At first he was sure he wasn't going to and a lot of people assumed that just because I did that he would too. He's had weight issues as long as I've known him and has tried many many times to lose weight on his own and he's always had that mindset of wanting to keep trying without surgery and there's nothing wrong with that. His health has started to really affect him. He came to me one night about 4 months ago and asked me if I had any regrets about my choice and would I do it again. He's watched me go through a really rough time since I had surgery and he's seen both the ups and the downs that have come with it. I told him that without a second thought I'd do it again because the fact was, I was really sick and well on my way to an early grave if I didn't do something immediately! He has always done so much for me, I want to be as healthy as I can so that he has the wife he deserves to have. I want to be around for him and to be able to give him babies and live a long healthy life for not only myself but the ones that I love! He has made the decision with much thought and much prayer to start the process of having WLS. He's been through all the steps and is hoping to have surgery within the next few months! I'm so excited for him because I know how hard he's worked and I know he deserves to be healthy and happy! He's done such an amazing job at taking care of me and now I get to give that back to him and help take care of him as he starts his journey to being healthier! I've always told him that it's his choice and it's something that only he can decide on and I've never tried to convince him to have surgery because it's such a personal choice and it's not for everyone. I'm glad that I've inspired him to want to be healthier for himself and our life together! I'm so proud of him for everything he does and for wanting to be healthier because it's not an easy change for anyone who has goals for better health and a better life. We both want to be around to have children, watch them grow up and be as healthy as we can be in order to live the life we're meant to live. We've started really talking about starting a family and what that looks like for us. For me it's a whole mix of emotions because for a long time we've been trying and I've always felt "broken" for not being able to give him a child. I know that God has his timing and that I needed to get myself healthy before bringing a baby into this world. As I've lost weight my body has responded and is now functioning the way it should be which gives me hope that conceiving is so much more of a possibility now than it was before. So many changes and so much to look forward to! God's doing some major renovations in our lives and I'm excited to see what this year holds for my husband and I!

Finding lost passions!!

Have you ever lost your passion for something? I used to be so passionate about so many things and somehow I lost a lot of those things that used to light a fire in my soul. In some ways there was still a flicker, a yearning for these things but I let life get in the way, I let so many things smother the flames until they were nothing more than smoldering ash. I was the queen of procrastination and excuses as to why I had let these passions fade. Whether it was I don't feel good today so I'll do it when I feel better, or I'm not good at it anymore, it's been to long, or some other embarrassing reason. Two of my greatest passions, playing piano and writing I have let slip away and although I keep the occasional online blog I found I don't actually write much anymore. I used to love writing poetry, and keeping a journal and haven't put pen to paper in such a long time. Playing the piano was something that I was never great at but I loved it, self taught I learned by copying what I heard or by reading through some of my mother's teaching books as a kid. As I got older the love for it was still there, but something always got in the way of me really learning anything and advancing as a piano player! Since this transformation began I'm noticing so many shifts in my personality, my thinking, how I relate and communicate with others and my desire for things has changed. To say that every fiber of my being has been affected by this journey would be the understatement of a lifetime! As the pounds drop I notice myself becoming a different person, or maybe it's me becoming the person I'm supposed to be, either way I hardly recognize me! Of course I look like me, sound like me but there are things that are surfacing that I never thought would be...well me! There are things about me that I remember that I'm now seeing again, like a best friend who's been out of touch for years but is now back! It sounds strange but I feel things again, not just feeling but FEELING, with my soul. I didn't realize how much I had let my love for life get away from me. My husband has always supported my passions whatever they may be at the moment and has always encouraged me to pursue them. This Christmas/Birthday he blew me away and has brought two of my greatest passions back into my life. He surprised me with a journal and a piano with the hopes that this transformation I've been going through would inspire me to reconnect with some of the things I love to do! It's like he's in my head when I'm secretly wishing I had a really nice journal and a piano to play again. I had forgotten so much about playing the piano it was almost embarrassing, some songs I could play well and others...not so much!  Instead of giving up or getting frustrated like usual I decided that it was time I relearned what I had lost. The piano has always been an escape for me, a stress release and writing is as well, it's how I share my thoughts, my story, it's how the mess in my mind comes unraveled! I'm finding old passions again and discovering new ones every day and it's an amazingly freeing feeling! The intensity I always dreamed, thought, wrote about is now becoming who I am and as scary as that is, with God's help and a lot of patience I will embrace who I'm becoming and trust that it's who I am supposed to be!

Let Go of the Old, Celebrate the New!!

So it's the last day of 2010 and I'm sure all of us are reflecting on this past year to some degree. I think about where I was Dec. 31, 2009, what were my thoughts and hopes? I honestly don't remember and in my wildest dreams couldn't have imagined life going where it has this last year. If I were to use one word to explain 2010 is would be WOW! This year has proven that I'm not in control and what I mean by that is that as much as I try to be the navigator and controller of my life and my journey, again and again I'm reminded that life doesn't go as planned and where you thought you'd be...you aren't! The feeling about this year is similar to the one I had when I sat in the front seat of Space Mountain, it being the first time I'd ever been on that ride, no one warned me it was a roller coaster..IN THE DARK!!! Sitting there in the front seat of that ride and being so sure that I was going to go plummeting into the dark below. I didn't of course and as I look back on this year I see those moments where I've been looking into black oblivion not knowing which way is which or when it would end. It's been that kind of year with so many ups and downs and twists and turns and here I sit, my head spinning trying to make sense and absorb all of it.
My year started with a hope and a determination to have some kind of a break through in my life. Every year we begin by making our resolutions and we're so sure that that year would be the one when our lives would change in awesome ways. Every year since I can remember I'd write in my journal about what I was certain I was going to do and every year like the one before most of what I had said I was going to do, was a distant thought or a lingering regret. I don't know what it was that finally lit a serious fire under my ass to stop talking and thinking about making changes and actually be intentional about really making them!! Sometimes it takes a serious wake up call for us to "GET" it that change needs to happen and soon. I had NO clue as to how much needed to and would change over the year and how much different I as a person would be. I risked everything to take a chance on something that could either kill me or be the help I needed to save myself from death! That one choice put in motion something that I can't even begin to explain. It started with my health than became so much more about me as a person, how I felt about myself and all the freight my life came with had to be dealt with! So with the support of my wonderful husband, amazing friends and others who have entered my life I made the choice to let go of what was, step outside of the world I was so comfortable in all my life and take on life head on without hiding. Scary stuff really, it's like the dream we all have going to school/work and realizing you're naked, completely vulnerable and exposed! I'm used to closing up and receding into isolation because that's my comfortable, safe place to be. God may not always give me what I want, but he has never failed to give me what I need. Of course as human as I am, I ignored all the in your face signs and concerns, I figured I'd be able to handle it...WRONG! As I began to lose weight after WLS things I had pushed so far down were starting to come up and I was beginning to feel exposed and vulnerable. The difference is, when the feelings of fear, failure, and doubt came up this time, something in me became angry at how I'd let those feeling control me for so long! I let it keep me from having the life I'd dreamed of and prayed for. God had bigger plans for me than I've had for myself. 2010 I became a new person both inside and out! I've finally taken back my power and allowed myself to be who I deserve to be. It's a scary thing to let go of the protection we hold so tightly to. I just turned 29 and I feel better than I did at 19!! As this year ends I look at the journey I've been on this year and how so many different emotions and feelings have showed up, testing and shaking every fiber of my being! I'm reminded how lucky I am to have been given a second chance at life and how so many people don't get that. I look at where I am and I'm grateful for all that I have been blessed with! So, I end this year 146 pounds lighter, a whole lot healthier, a lot smarter, stronger, and determined to break the chains that will no longer define me or who I am! I'm learning not to take life so seriously, to love with all I have, to live everyday to the fullest and to smile and know that I'm beautiful! So here's to letting go of what was and embracing this moment and loving each other with all we have and remembering what matters most in this life! I'm excited for what the New Year holds and look forward to living every moment of it with passion and love!

A LOT to be Thankful for!

I have so much to be thankful for today and I'm on the verge of tears because of how blessed I feel! This year has been an amazing, scary, challenging year and it's been one heck of a ride!  Today I reached a milestone goal! I'm no longer 300 pounds!! I couldn't be more thankful for that!! I'm thankful for my husband who's loved me unconditionally and stood by me through it all and who continues to support and love me like crazy! I'm thankful for life, for the chance to get to live it, for my health which continues to improve every day, for the journey that has changed me as a person and made me so much stronger and brought out who I deserve to be! For all the love and support I have in my life, all the people who surround me and lift me up and encourage me daily! For the beautiful home that I get to share with those that I love. It's easy to get caught up in the mess that is life but we need to stop, take a deep breath and remember all the little things in life that we take for granted every day! I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving! 

Soul Shaking Changes!

It's been a bit since my last blog. Life has it's way of keeping me busy or maybe I'm intentionally busy because for the first time I feel like doing more than nothing at all. I'm working on getting a normal sleep schedule which seems to be working pretty well for the time being. I've always been a night person and suffer from chronic insomnia most of the time. I have to take medication to help me sleep or I just don't. I wish it wasn't so and I've tried many many things but none have worked so I take the meds and am able to sleep at night. We just moved into a beautiful home, it's finally a place I can feel proud of and make a home instead of just a place we happen to keep our stuff at. It's close enough to everything yet it's far enough away that it's quiet and calm.  I'm purging and getting rid of things in my life that serve no purpose. Starting over and it feels so good to be able to do that!  The last 7 weeks or so I've been on a spiritual, mental, emotional journey that ties into the physical changes I'm going through. The church I go through does a series once a year called Pathways and it's geared toward really looking at life and being intentional about living the life you deserve to live. This year I really got involved with it because I felt that during this time in my life where I was making major changes in my physical health, my spiritual and mental health needed attention and I really needed to evaluate where I was in my path and where I wanted to go. Every week was something different, something that challenged me to think and to focus on my holistic self as well as my physical self. It's really opened my eyes and brought me out of the shell I've been in for years. In 2003 I fell and injured my back, this changed everything! I lost a lot of my independence, my mobility decreased and physically and mentally it was the beginning of a long spiral which was clearly leading to an early grave. I became agoraphobic, afraid of people, afraid of ANY social situations. I wasn't able to work anymore and that took a toll on me in so many ways. I can remember having these recurring dreams that I was going back to work but I couldn't do my job right or I kept messing up or something would keep me from doing what I was supposed to do! This dream would happen over and over again and it was depressing. It was during this time that I discovered that I was Bipolar. Traumatic events can bring about dormant issues and looking back a lot of things make more sense now. I became very depressed, anxious, secluded, moody and didn't know how to deal with any of it. There were Dr's and even family members who told me it was all in my head and that I just wanted attention or to be the victim. I was on more medication than anyone my age should ever have to be on and I was sick and miserable. I was desperate for any way out, anything that would help and I didn't know where to look or who to turn to. It wasn't until 3 years ago that I started really thinking about what my life had become and how much I was missing out on. Thanks to a dear friend I found what I needed....Faith!!
My story is far from over and I'm finally at a place where my soul is at peace and I feel so much better than I ever have. As I become closer to God, my husband, my friends and as I emerge as the woman I've always wanted to be I can't help but smile and wonder what's next. Whatever it is, I know that I'll get through it and I'll be a stronger, better person!

Second chances

It's not very often that you get a second chance at life.I've always been a dreamer ever since I can remember, my mind would wander and I would think about the life I wanted and how I wished things we so different. I always wanted more out of life but at the same time I went through it thinking there was nothing I could do to change it or make it what it was in my mind supposed to be. This past Sunday marked 6 months since I decided to have bariatric surgery to help save my life. On Saturday my husband showed me a picture in his phone that he had taken a long time ago and I was and still am shocked at the person I saw in that picture. That picture was of me probably taken early this year or late last year. As I looked at the picture I couldn't help but remember what I was living just 6 short months ago. I can't help but feel extremely grateful that I was given a second chance at life, I made the choice to change my life and make it what I've always dreamed it could be. My husband asked me if I'd do it again even with the complications I've had and without hesitation I said YES! To think that my husband would have been burying his wife long before he should breaks my heart. My husband, my family and those that I love deserve a healthy, happy, ALIVE me! There's no doubt that this has changed every aspect of my life, every fiber of my being! I look at things so differently and I sit back and really start to see what's important in life. The challenges that I've faced in the last 6 months pale in comparison to the challenges I faced before and would more than likely continue to face had I not made the choice to have surgery. If my journey can help someone else realize that changing your life is possible and that they are worth having the best life has to offer than I'd do it a million times. Seeing how others are inspired by the journey of those who have been where they are at makes this journey so fulfilling. Cleaning out my closets I found a pair of pants I wore pre op and was floored when I saw how much my body has changed. It's things like this and the picture my husband showed me this weekend that makes it very real and reminds me that even though I have a long ways to go, I've already come so far! My husband has made the choice to also embark on the WLS journey. It hasn't been an easy choice for him although a lot of people assumed that because I did, he would. He has given up so much to make sure that I'm taken care of so I'm happy that I get the chance to be his cheerleader as he betters himself and takes back his life not only for him but for the family we have and will have in the future! I'm so proud of him and very excited to see what God has planned for us!

Living life with intention!

I've often wondered why I was put on the path that I've been put on. When I was younger I couldn't understand why life had given me what I felt was a crappy hand. As I get older I begin to understand and really come to terms with my life and where it's led me. A few years ago I desperately wanted something more in life, I seemed to be floundering and simply just existing. Lost and hurting not knowing where I was supposed to be or where my life was headed. I was as low as low could get, consumed with depression and pain both physically and emotionally I couldn't see a way out but wanted one more than anything. It was then that one of my best friends invited me to join her at Church. I spent most of my life running from "church" and God in general. In my heart I believed but the experiences that I'd had led me to feel like I wouldn't belong. Being open minded I went with her and from the moment I walked in to the building I felt an overwhelming sense of acceptance and warmth. I had found a place that has allowed me, the broken, messy sinner to have a very personal relationship with God. I didn't have to fit a "mold" or be a certain way and that became very freeing and really changed my thinking about faith. This is really where I actively started my journey towards reclaiming my life, my health and changing what I believed I deserved. I was given the name Amanda because of what it means, "worthy to be loved" but to be honest I didn't feel worthy. I gave away my power and my worth because I didn't think I deserved them. There was this thinking that if I made myself  "ugly" than no one would want me and if they didn't want me, they couldn't hurt me. Boy was I wrong! It wasn't until I met my husband that I began to change how I felt and how I thought about who I was. He's helped me truly believe that I am worthy of being loved, he's taught me that I should never settle for less than what God has planned for my life. I began a long, sometimes painful journey of self discovery, moving through my past and my pain and realizing that my life is valuable.  As I go through this process of improving my health, I realized that this journey is also about reviving my soul, finding out who I am and reclaiming the power that I've given away time and time again. We all have the choice to simply exist and watch life pass us by or we can choose to be proactive and intentional about our lives. I had enough of watching everything I dreamed for and wanted pass me by. I purged my life of the toxic poison that held me back from having the life I deserved and decided to surround myself with the genuine, supportive, unconditional love that everyone should have. My pastor said something  that really made sense to me, "When we say yes to something good, we are saying No to something great" It made me think about all the times in life where we settle because we think either we won't find anything better or that we don't deserve better so we just accept what is. When we are intentional about life every aspect of our being is affected and we start becoming the person we're meant to be. I'm no longer going to live in guilt, let my past dictate who I am or who I deserve to be, and I'm no longer going to sit in the back round hiding from my true worth! As I continue on my path to becoming the person God intended me to be, I open my heart and my mind to allow myself to change, grow and become mentally, physically and spiritually stronger.