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Thursday, February 9, 2012

Loving the Bad with the Good

Self Portrait Challenge! A reminder to not let the negatives in life drag you down! Be nice to yourself, love yourself for who you are. This has always been a challenge for me to love myself whole heartedly, as I am, flaws and all! I've been working on stopping the negative auto response when someone tells me something positive about me. Instead of the instant rolling of the eyes and accusing them of just being nice or lying to me, maybe I can accept it as the truth because MAYBE that's what it is!! It's hard for me to look in the mirror and like the person I see but in the last few years I've actually made myself look at me and it's starting to happen, noticing the positives instead of the instant find a million and one things I hate about what I see! I may never be able to fix the broken in my brain, the old recordings, programming, but I can stop them and replace them with the truth! The truth is...I'm beautiful, talented, loving, kind, worthy, smart and I deserve every happiness and every wonderful blessing I've received in life!
I find it's natural to pick apart and find every flaw we see when we look at a reflection or picture of ourselves! We even find ones that don't exist but only in our heads! I've begun telling myself one positive every time I pass by my reflection. I'm on the road to loving who I am as a person, flaws and all! I'm not perfect...I'm perfectly imperfect and that's OK for me! God loves me just as I am and created me to be me and I'm coming to terms with and really starting to find a peace about the version of ME I'm becoming...the BEST version! We'll never reach perfection and it's not something we should strive to be! Who wants perfect? What fun would life be if we were all perfect? We are who we are because of the broken, cracked, smudged and glued back together pieces of ourselves! It's what gives us character, depth, personality and even though we see the flaws we're still beautiful to more people than we ever realize!

Obsessing over…

Diapers, baby clothes, labor...all the things that are filling my life and my mind as I prepare for the birth of my first child!

Working on…
Remaining calm and trusting my natural ability and confidence in myself to be a good mother!

Thinking about…
The reality that is about to consume my life! I've spent years thinking about it, praying for it, hoping, wishing, crying and wondering what it's going to be like and now that it's really happening I'm scared out of my mind!
Wondering what it's going to be like to give birth and what those first moments will reveal about me as a person and his mommy!

The Big life changes happening! Having a baby, holding him for the first time, looking into his eyes, embracing and taking in every moment of this little life that we've created!

Listening to…

Classical music and the dog chewing on a toy



Wishing the next few weeks will go by smoothly and wishing I could sleep or do anything in a more comfortable manner! Wishing the aching and swelling would go away so I can walk!

Go to her blog and take the challenge! Love yourself and who you are because both the good and the bad side are beautiful!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

What I do will forever impact and affect someone else!

Another new year is upon us and January is almost over! I've spent much of this month reflecting, thinking, observing everything around me. I think about all the resolutions I've made and not kept, all the things I've wanted to accomplish in the year and haven't and I've finally decided to resolve not to make resolutions! I make them, break them, then go on beating myself up for not doing what I set out to do for whatever reason. It's occurred to me that shifting my thinking, how I treat myself and others would probably be more productive. Forgiving myself and accepting the fact that I'm human and imperfect but I'm still valuable! As I look at my life and where I am today, where I've wanted to be, what I've wanted to accomplish it's become VERY clear that I'm exactly where I should be and I'm OK with that! I've noticed I've spent far to many years wishing and hoping for a different existence, a better existence. So much so that I've missed so much of what was in front of me. It hasn't been easy but it's all brought me to where I am now, made me the person I am at this moment and I'm finally starting to really like, maybe even love who that person is!

Anyone who knows me knows that my mind doesn't operate at normal speed! It's on overdrive 99.999% of the time with a million different thoughts, feelings, ideas and my husband often comments on how I can cover 10 different subjects in the same conversation switching from one to the next like it's nothing! I've been really trying to stop my brain and take on one thought at a time because I find I get anxious and often become very panicked and overwhelmed and then I over worry about everything! If I take on right now, this moment, things going on in my head one at a time it's more manageable and I'm able to cope and deal with what's in front of me so much better!
As I get closer to D day I've had a lot on my mind! Although I know it's VERY real and it is happening I still find myself surprised that I am having a baby! I've always watched as others had kids and I've held them wishing and praying for one of my own, thinking of how great it would be to be a mom! Now that it's happening I half expect to wake up from this dream. Why do I have such a hard time believing that these things are actually happening to me? I guess when you spend your life believing such blessings won't happen that when they do it takes you by surprise. But you know what? I DO deserve this life! I deserve the husband I've been blessed with who loves me unconditionally and who's shown me that I can have and am worth more! I do deserve the happiness that I feel when I look at my life and what I have! I'm really focusing on changing the what if thinking because it doesn't serve a purpose and keeps me from believing that maybe just maybe things will work out and be OK!
Being faced with a major life change it's got me really processing my priorities and what matters most in my life. I've taken on some big changes over the last two years but none as big as becoming a parent! A change that isn't about me so much as it is about this life my husband and I are bringing into this world! It's a HUGE reality to process when you come to realize everything you do from the moment you discover you're pregnant on will affect someone else for the rest of their life! WOW, no pressure right? Every overwhelming thought, question, doubt, fear, hope, dream you think of and how all of it will impact this little person. I'm no longer just living this life for me! God has given me a bigger purpose, a bigger reason for waking up every day and I realize that every decision I make now I have to think about my son! It's really got me understanding that I have to pay attention and be aware of what I do because it's up to me to shape him into the person he's going to grow up to be. What is it that I want him to learn? How do I want him to treat others? What kind of person do I hope to help him become? Kids are a product of their environment and they learn and absorb everything they see the adults in their life do and those things will stay with them throughout their entire lives! I've finally gotten to a place where I'm OK with the fact that I won't be a perfect parent but I will do my best to be present and be the best mom I can be by giving my son the best of me!
I've heard the comment "how can you love someone you've never met" from new moms and I've been thinking about that a lot recently. For me it doesn't seem so unbelievable that one could love someone so much before they even take their first breath! From the moment I saw those two lines I knew my heart wasn't mine anymore! Sharing the same space for 9 months, seeing him for the first time, seeing the little flicker and hearing his heartbeat, seeing and feeling him move, kick, reposition, can I not love him? It's crazy when I think about how much this little guy has impacted my life already and how much more he'll impact my life for the rest of my life! I look forward to his first breath, words, steps, and all the firsts he'll experience in his life! He has no idea how much of a difference he's already made and is going to make in so many lives! He's loved beyond words by so many and I'm so grateful and incredibly happy knowing my Son will get to know what unconditional love is, he'll have people around him who want the best of what life has to offer for him, who will pick him up when he falls and assure him that he's capable and deserving of the best in life!!

We're getting down to the final weeks and it seems overnight I've gone from looking kinda pregnant to OMG I'm pregnant!!   Drs say everything is good, his growth is right where it should be and we're planning on a vaginal birth with epidural. As of right now he's flipped from breech and is now head down getting ready to come! My blood pressure has been perfect so we're hoping for a stress free and pleasant birthing experience with the reality that it could change in a heartbeat! I trust my Drs and know that they'll do what's best for the health and safety of my son and myself! We're finishing the last of our birthing classes and learning about the stages of labor and some of the things to expect. They go over a lot of different situations because every woman's different and things happen so being aware of them all is good in case the one you're planning for ends up being different! You want to be prepared for that possibility! We've learned a lot with the books, Cd's, classes, information and knowledge given!
Physically I'm struggling with a lot of increased pain! Dealing with chronic pain, a back injury, fibromyalgia and other issues I knew what I was in for, just didn't know it would be like this! All at once, every pregnancy discomfort...I Feel x 10!! I don't walk anymore, I waddle, I'm up every 2 hours to pee and change positions, and I'm just plain uncomfortable! Regardless of all of this I'm grateful! I'm grateful he's growing and everything is good with him, when he moves, when I hear his heartbeat, and I'm grateful to be experiencing this blessing! I am aware of and my heart breaks for those who have suffered loss and who have struggled or can't have children. It's truly a gift that regardless of how difficult it is I'm incredibly fortunate to be receiving! Never give up hope and know that miracles come in many different pictures! God's plan is always bigger than our own and his blessings come just when we need them to most!!
What/who has made the biggest, life changing impact in your journey?
I could name a few! God for one! When I allowed God into my life and began my journey of faith I was jaded, bitter and wanted nothing to do with God because of what I was taught and told about him growing up. Since choosing to come to know God I've found he's nothing like they say and everything I've ever believed in my heart of hearts he was! He's impacted my life and shown me grace! That although I'm not perfect, I'm broken, messy, flawed that he still sees me as priceless, valuable, his child!
My husband has made a major impact on my life! When I met him my self esteem was lower than it's ever been. I had allowed myself to be surrounded by people who hurt me, didn't have my best interests at heart and I didn't think much if anything of myself when I met him. Somehow God intercepted and brought us together and in the 9 years we've been together he's patiently worked with me, loved me unconditionally, told me over and over that I'm worth having more, that I can be happy, that all the old programs that play over and over were wrong!! He's impacted me as a person and has impacted who I've become by believing in my power, my worth, my talents, my heart, my ability to affect change in others, help people through my life situations!
There are many others who have impacted my life in one way or another and for them I'm grateful!
Now It's my turn to impact some one's life! I get the blessing and privilege to impact my son's life, to show him what God's purpose for him is, to teach him his worth, talents, abilities and help him grow into the fine young man I know he'll become!
I challenge you to make an impact! Change a life, do something, anything to make even the smallest of difference in some one's life! It can be a hug, a smile, a hello, a word of prayer or doesn't have to look a certain way! Our value as a human being, as a Child of God changes within us when we see how small acts of LOVE can affect great things!!

34 weeks pregnant bare belly.

34 week belly