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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Second chances

It's not very often that you get a second chance at life.I've always been a dreamer ever since I can remember, my mind would wander and I would think about the life I wanted and how I wished things we so different. I always wanted more out of life but at the same time I went through it thinking there was nothing I could do to change it or make it what it was in my mind supposed to be. This past Sunday marked 6 months since I decided to have bariatric surgery to help save my life. On Saturday my husband showed me a picture in his phone that he had taken a long time ago and I was and still am shocked at the person I saw in that picture. That picture was of me probably taken early this year or late last year. As I looked at the picture I couldn't help but remember what I was living just 6 short months ago. I can't help but feel extremely grateful that I was given a second chance at life, I made the choice to change my life and make it what I've always dreamed it could be. My husband asked me if I'd do it again even with the complications I've had and without hesitation I said YES! To think that my husband would have been burying his wife long before he should breaks my heart. My husband, my family and those that I love deserve a healthy, happy, ALIVE me! There's no doubt that this has changed every aspect of my life, every fiber of my being! I look at things so differently and I sit back and really start to see what's important in life. The challenges that I've faced in the last 6 months pale in comparison to the challenges I faced before and would more than likely continue to face had I not made the choice to have surgery. If my journey can help someone else realize that changing your life is possible and that they are worth having the best life has to offer than I'd do it a million times. Seeing how others are inspired by the journey of those who have been where they are at makes this journey so fulfilling. Cleaning out my closets I found a pair of pants I wore pre op and was floored when I saw how much my body has changed. It's things like this and the picture my husband showed me this weekend that makes it very real and reminds me that even though I have a long ways to go, I've already come so far! My husband has made the choice to also embark on the WLS journey. It hasn't been an easy choice for him although a lot of people assumed that because I did, he would. He has given up so much to make sure that I'm taken care of so I'm happy that I get the chance to be his cheerleader as he betters himself and takes back his life not only for him but for the family we have and will have in the future! I'm so proud of him and very excited to see what God has planned for us!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Living life with intention!

I've often wondered why I was put on the path that I've been put on. When I was younger I couldn't understand why life had given me what I felt was a crappy hand. As I get older I begin to understand and really come to terms with my life and where it's led me. A few years ago I desperately wanted something more in life, I seemed to be floundering and simply just existing. Lost and hurting not knowing where I was supposed to be or where my life was headed. I was as low as low could get, consumed with depression and pain both physically and emotionally I couldn't see a way out but wanted one more than anything. It was then that one of my best friends invited me to join her at Church. I spent most of my life running from "church" and God in general. In my heart I believed but the experiences that I'd had led me to feel like I wouldn't belong. Being open minded I went with her and from the moment I walked in to the building I felt an overwhelming sense of acceptance and warmth. I had found a place that has allowed me, the broken, messy sinner to have a very personal relationship with God. I didn't have to fit a "mold" or be a certain way and that became very freeing and really changed my thinking about faith. This is really where I actively started my journey towards reclaiming my life, my health and changing what I believed I deserved. I was given the name Amanda because of what it means, "worthy to be loved" but to be honest I didn't feel worthy. I gave away my power and my worth because I didn't think I deserved them. There was this thinking that if I made myself  "ugly" than no one would want me and if they didn't want me, they couldn't hurt me. Boy was I wrong! It wasn't until I met my husband that I began to change how I felt and how I thought about who I was. He's helped me truly believe that I am worthy of being loved, he's taught me that I should never settle for less than what God has planned for my life. I began a long, sometimes painful journey of self discovery, moving through my past and my pain and realizing that my life is valuable.  As I go through this process of improving my health, I realized that this journey is also about reviving my soul, finding out who I am and reclaiming the power that I've given away time and time again. We all have the choice to simply exist and watch life pass us by or we can choose to be proactive and intentional about our lives. I had enough of watching everything I dreamed for and wanted pass me by. I purged my life of the toxic poison that held me back from having the life I deserved and decided to surround myself with the genuine, supportive, unconditional love that everyone should have. My pastor said something  that really made sense to me, "When we say yes to something good, we are saying No to something great" It made me think about all the times in life where we settle because we think either we won't find anything better or that we don't deserve better so we just accept what is. When we are intentional about life every aspect of our being is affected and we start becoming the person we're meant to be. I'm no longer going to live in guilt, let my past dictate who I am or who I deserve to be, and I'm no longer going to sit in the back round hiding from my true worth! As I continue on my path to becoming the person God intended me to be, I open my heart and my mind to allow myself to change, grow and become mentally, physically and spiritually stronger.