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Thursday, November 25, 2010

A LOT to be Thankful for!

I have so much to be thankful for today and I'm on the verge of tears because of how blessed I feel! This year has been an amazing, scary, challenging year and it's been one heck of a ride!  Today I reached a milestone goal! I'm no longer 300 pounds!! I couldn't be more thankful for that!! I'm thankful for my husband who's loved me unconditionally and stood by me through it all and who continues to support and love me like crazy! I'm thankful for life, for the chance to get to live it, for my health which continues to improve every day, for the journey that has changed me as a person and made me so much stronger and brought out who I deserve to be! For all the love and support I have in my life, all the people who surround me and lift me up and encourage me daily! For the beautiful home that I get to share with those that I love. It's easy to get caught up in the mess that is life but we need to stop, take a deep breath and remember all the little things in life that we take for granted every day! I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving! 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Soul Shaking Changes!

It's been a bit since my last blog. Life has it's way of keeping me busy or maybe I'm intentionally busy because for the first time I feel like doing more than nothing at all. I'm working on getting a normal sleep schedule which seems to be working pretty well for the time being. I've always been a night person and suffer from chronic insomnia most of the time. I have to take medication to help me sleep or I just don't. I wish it wasn't so and I've tried many many things but none have worked so I take the meds and am able to sleep at night. We just moved into a beautiful home, it's finally a place I can feel proud of and make a home instead of just a place we happen to keep our stuff at. It's close enough to everything yet it's far enough away that it's quiet and calm.  I'm purging and getting rid of things in my life that serve no purpose. Starting over and it feels so good to be able to do that!  The last 7 weeks or so I've been on a spiritual, mental, emotional journey that ties into the physical changes I'm going through. The church I go through does a series once a year called Pathways and it's geared toward really looking at life and being intentional about living the life you deserve to live. This year I really got involved with it because I felt that during this time in my life where I was making major changes in my physical health, my spiritual and mental health needed attention and I really needed to evaluate where I was in my path and where I wanted to go. Every week was something different, something that challenged me to think and to focus on my holistic self as well as my physical self. It's really opened my eyes and brought me out of the shell I've been in for years. In 2003 I fell and injured my back, this changed everything! I lost a lot of my independence, my mobility decreased and physically and mentally it was the beginning of a long spiral which was clearly leading to an early grave. I became agoraphobic, afraid of people, afraid of ANY social situations. I wasn't able to work anymore and that took a toll on me in so many ways. I can remember having these recurring dreams that I was going back to work but I couldn't do my job right or I kept messing up or something would keep me from doing what I was supposed to do! This dream would happen over and over again and it was depressing. It was during this time that I discovered that I was Bipolar. Traumatic events can bring about dormant issues and looking back a lot of things make more sense now. I became very depressed, anxious, secluded, moody and didn't know how to deal with any of it. There were Dr's and even family members who told me it was all in my head and that I just wanted attention or to be the victim. I was on more medication than anyone my age should ever have to be on and I was sick and miserable. I was desperate for any way out, anything that would help and I didn't know where to look or who to turn to. It wasn't until 3 years ago that I started really thinking about what my life had become and how much I was missing out on. Thanks to a dear friend I found what I needed....Faith!!
My story is far from over and I'm finally at a place where my soul is at peace and I feel so much better than I ever have. As I become closer to God, my husband, my friends and as I emerge as the woman I've always wanted to be I can't help but smile and wonder what's next. Whatever it is, I know that I'll get through it and I'll be a stronger, better person!