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Friday, December 31, 2010

Let Go of the Old, Celebrate the New!!

So it's the last day of 2010 and I'm sure all of us are reflecting on this past year to some degree. I think about where I was Dec. 31, 2009, what were my thoughts and hopes? I honestly don't remember and in my wildest dreams couldn't have imagined life going where it has this last year. If I were to use one word to explain 2010 is would be WOW! This year has proven that I'm not in control and what I mean by that is that as much as I try to be the navigator and controller of my life and my journey, again and again I'm reminded that life doesn't go as planned and where you thought you'd aren't! The feeling about this year is similar to the one I had when I sat in the front seat of Space Mountain, it being the first time I'd ever been on that ride, no one warned me it was a roller coaster..IN THE DARK!!! Sitting there in the front seat of that ride and being so sure that I was going to go plummeting into the dark below. I didn't of course and as I look back on this year I see those moments where I've been looking into black oblivion not knowing which way is which or when it would end. It's been that kind of year with so many ups and downs and twists and turns and here I sit, my head spinning trying to make sense and absorb all of it.
My year started with a hope and a determination to have some kind of a break through in my life. Every year we begin by making our resolutions and we're so sure that that year would be the one when our lives would change in awesome ways. Every year since I can remember I'd write in my journal about what I was certain I was going to do and every year like the one before most of what I had said I was going to do, was a distant thought or a lingering regret. I don't know what it was that finally lit a serious fire under my ass to stop talking and thinking about making changes and actually be intentional about really making them!! Sometimes it takes a serious wake up call for us to "GET" it that change needs to happen and soon. I had NO clue as to how much needed to and would change over the year and how much different I as a person would be. I risked everything to take a chance on something that could either kill me or be the help I needed to save myself from death! That one choice put in motion something that I can't even begin to explain. It started with my health than became so much more about me as a person, how I felt about myself and all the freight my life came with had to be dealt with! So with the support of my wonderful husband, amazing friends and others who have entered my life I made the choice to let go of what was, step outside of the world I was so comfortable in all my life and take on life head on without hiding. Scary stuff really, it's like the dream we all have going to school/work and realizing you're naked, completely vulnerable and exposed! I'm used to closing up and receding into isolation because that's my comfortable, safe place to be. God may not always give me what I want, but he has never failed to give me what I need. Of course as human as I am, I ignored all the in your face signs and concerns, I figured I'd be able to handle it...WRONG! As I began to lose weight after WLS things I had pushed so far down were starting to come up and I was beginning to feel exposed and vulnerable. The difference is, when the feelings of fear, failure, and doubt came up this time, something in me became angry at how I'd let those feeling control me for so long! I let it keep me from having the life I'd dreamed of and prayed for. God had bigger plans for me than I've had for myself. 2010 I became a new person both inside and out! I've finally taken back my power and allowed myself to be who I deserve to be. It's a scary thing to let go of the protection we hold so tightly to. I just turned 29 and I feel better than I did at 19!! As this year ends I look at the journey I've been on this year and how so many different emotions and feelings have showed up, testing and shaking every fiber of my being! I'm reminded how lucky I am to have been given a second chance at life and how so many people don't get that. I look at where I am and I'm grateful for all that I have been blessed with! So, I end this year 146 pounds lighter, a whole lot healthier, a lot smarter, stronger, and determined to break the chains that will no longer define me or who I am! I'm learning not to take life so seriously, to love with all I have, to live everyday to the fullest and to smile and know that I'm beautiful! So here's to letting go of what was and embracing this moment and loving each other with all we have and remembering what matters most in this life! I'm excited for what the New Year holds and look forward to living every moment of it with passion and love!