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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Living life with intention!

I've often wondered why I was put on the path that I've been put on. When I was younger I couldn't understand why life had given me what I felt was a crappy hand. As I get older I begin to understand and really come to terms with my life and where it's led me. A few years ago I desperately wanted something more in life, I seemed to be floundering and simply just existing. Lost and hurting not knowing where I was supposed to be or where my life was headed. I was as low as low could get, consumed with depression and pain both physically and emotionally I couldn't see a way out but wanted one more than anything. It was then that one of my best friends invited me to join her at Church. I spent most of my life running from "church" and God in general. In my heart I believed but the experiences that I'd had led me to feel like I wouldn't belong. Being open minded I went with her and from the moment I walked in to the building I felt an overwhelming sense of acceptance and warmth. I had found a place that has allowed me, the broken, messy sinner to have a very personal relationship with God. I didn't have to fit a "mold" or be a certain way and that became very freeing and really changed my thinking about faith. This is really where I actively started my journey towards reclaiming my life, my health and changing what I believed I deserved. I was given the name Amanda because of what it means, "worthy to be loved" but to be honest I didn't feel worthy. I gave away my power and my worth because I didn't think I deserved them. There was this thinking that if I made myself  "ugly" than no one would want me and if they didn't want me, they couldn't hurt me. Boy was I wrong! It wasn't until I met my husband that I began to change how I felt and how I thought about who I was. He's helped me truly believe that I am worthy of being loved, he's taught me that I should never settle for less than what God has planned for my life. I began a long, sometimes painful journey of self discovery, moving through my past and my pain and realizing that my life is valuable.  As I go through this process of improving my health, I realized that this journey is also about reviving my soul, finding out who I am and reclaiming the power that I've given away time and time again. We all have the choice to simply exist and watch life pass us by or we can choose to be proactive and intentional about our lives. I had enough of watching everything I dreamed for and wanted pass me by. I purged my life of the toxic poison that held me back from having the life I deserved and decided to surround myself with the genuine, supportive, unconditional love that everyone should have. My pastor said something  that really made sense to me, "When we say yes to something good, we are saying No to something great" It made me think about all the times in life where we settle because we think either we won't find anything better or that we don't deserve better so we just accept what is. When we are intentional about life every aspect of our being is affected and we start becoming the person we're meant to be. I'm no longer going to live in guilt, let my past dictate who I am or who I deserve to be, and I'm no longer going to sit in the back round hiding from my true worth! As I continue on my path to becoming the person God intended me to be, I open my heart and my mind to allow myself to change, grow and become mentally, physically and spiritually stronger.

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