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Friday, January 21, 2011

Preparing for the unknown!

It's a human condition to want to know what lies ahead. The unknowns in life can be scary and unpredictable. No one knows what will happen or how we'll react and handle certain situations we're in. This year brings with it a lot of unknown and a lot of hope. This journey I've been on for the past 10 months has been full of surprises and unexpected outcomes that have impacted ever aspect of my life. It's no secret that my desire to be a mother is very strong! As I get healthier and take better care of myself the possibility of that dream is more real than ever. At 450 pounds that dream was nothing more than an unreachable goal that really made me feel like I was broken somehow. I felt like it would never happen no matter how much I wanted it to. My health and my weight made conceiving a child impossible. I always thought I'd have children young and didn't realize that I needed to be healthy and in a better place before I brought a child into this world. For the first time my body is functioning like it should and I understand now the reasons God had me wait. From day one, my choice to have bariatric surgery had very little to do with being skinny and everything to do with being healthy and being able to have children. It was advised that I wait a year after having surgery before trying to conceive and as I get closer to 1 year since surgery it's something that is on my mind. As I focus on being as healthy as I can be and taking the steps I need to take in order to have the best possibility of having children I'm faced with a lot of anxieties and worry. It's an emotional roller coaster and there are a lot of issues that I'm dealing with as we talk and think about starting our family. There are things that I am dealing with that complicate an already complicated process. As I do more research, read about other women who have been unable to conceive prior to bariatric surgery but who have gone on to have healthy babies post op I'm hopeful but scared! Aside from being a post op bariatric patient I deal with severe mental illness and chronic pain. I'm aware that if I want to even think about becoming pregnant I need to address the situations that could potentially be very dangerous. I take medications to manage my mental illness, most of which are unsafe to take during pregnancy. I addressed my desire to start a family with my psychiatrist and didn't expect the reaction I got from him. He flat out told me that it's a bad idea for me to be pregnant because I'll be unstable without my meds and since I can't take most psych meds while pregnant I just shouldn't do it! WOW, I wasn't sure how to react. I don't think he understood that I was fully aware of the risks associated with the situation and that I was asking him to help me find the safest plan. I'm faced with a great deal of anxiety over this and I find myself doubting whether or not I will be able to handle being pregnant and not on medications. Deep down I realize that I'm strong enough, I have enough support, and with God's help I'll be able to handle any situation that comes my way but the doubt and the fear still linger! As my physical health has improved so has my mental health! I'm no longer in a constant state of hopeless misery! I feel better about myself and although I know that I still have these mental health issues, I'm in a much better place now than I was then.  I'm in a state of panic and uncertainty because I've been on these medications for a long time and in the past (pre-op) have had some issues with being off of them. I've become dependent on them in so many ways to help keep me mentally stable. I'm not sure how or even if I'll be able to cope well without them and my poor husband tends to be on the receiving end of my frustrations and that's not how I want it to be and he doesn't deserve that! The more I think about it the more I realize I'm going to have to find some way to deal with whatever comes up in a healthy way. I can't turn to food anymore and I shouldn't be taking it out on my husband. I am joining a gym in hopes that by exercising more not only will I get stronger but it'll be a physical outlet that will help me manage. I'm also submersing myself in my music, writing, social interactions, therapy and a lot of prayer! God's brought me through some pretty tough times! I have faith that he'll bring me through this as well. I'm excited for the next chapter in our lives and look forward to becoming a mother! If it were only possible to turn off the chaos in my mind long enough but I know the reality of it is something I'll have to face! He's excited and wants very much to be a father and as we travel this journey together I know that It'll bring us closer together.


Sarah said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, fears and doubts. It is normal to have these when facing any life decision, let alone when faced with severe obstacles. I just wanted to say that I am proud of you. Cling to the Lord, girl. He is your comfort and your strength. ALL things are possible through Him. Meditate on Him, talk to Him, read His word, and He will see you through this. He can bring calm and comfort to a chaotic mind.
God Bless you, girl. I will pray for you.

amandajolyn said...

thank you for your words!