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Friday, January 28, 2011

The Mirror Vs. The Mind!

Mirrors much like scales can be at times your worst enemy! A few weeks ago I was at church and I heard one of my pastors say something along the lines of "who you think you are, may not be who you really are". That got me thinking and it came in the midst of this inner battle I've been having with my brain. I thought for the most part I've been handling these crazy changes pretty well with the occasional can't get out of my head moments but for some reason this most recent one has stuck with me longer than usual and It's bugging me! My husband usually has me look at a picture of myself from a year ago and that usually brings me back to reality! As of late though even when looking at pictures of my progress or I look in the mirror I see the 450 pound person I was a year ago! The scale still says I'm 150 pounds lighter but my mind doesn't seem to get it! I understand that my mind is going to need time to catch up to all the major changes that the last 10 months have brought with it, and thus far I've dealt with it all in strides and with a pretty level head...I think! I guess what I'm having a hard time with is why I physically see whether in pictures, the scale, clothes, or even really looking at myself a different, smaller me but my mind sees something else? I guess when you spend most of your life as one person you're almost conditioned to see yourself as that person even if you've changed. I look at all the different ways I've changed and maybe I'm having a problem with it because I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I'm treading in unknown territory, doing things I've never dreamed of doing, being the person I've never been in a lot of ways and it's very foreign to me. It's terrifying to see someone emerge that I kinda secretly hoped I would become but either was to afraid to become or never thought I was supposed to become! Am I that De conditioned mentally/psychologically that I'm afraid to become the person God intended for me to be? Maybe I am afraid of the person that's emerging because all my life I've thought of myself and seen myself as something else, something less. To see myself as the confident, happy, social, beautiful person that I'm becoming is surreal, almost like it's a dream that I'm going to wake up from and be back in that dark, unhappy place I was a year ago! The reality of it is, I'm not in that place anymore and I'm not that person anymore and as exhilarating and freeing as that is, it's also the most terrifying feeling for me. It's like I see the walls and the insecurities coming down and I feel like I'm scrambling to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild because I feel exposed and uncertain. It's confusing because I really like being that confident, genuinely happy person who has a passion for life! It's a struggle learning to love who I'm becoming and embracing this person and letting go of the chains and stop trying to rebuild the walls that have served no purpose other than to hold me back! It's hard breaking a lifetime of self doubt and image issues and it would be so much easier to put the walls back up and hide in the corner, but I know that God has me on this journey for a reason and I can't hide from that anymore, I don't want to! There's no easy way to make the changes to better your life and it's a constant struggle to be who you really are instead of who you think you are! God wants me to be more than what I've been and he wants me to see myself as he and others see me, as a beautiful, strong, confident woman who loves who she is and truly believes she deserves to be the person she's becoming!

1 comment:

Katie said...

I'm just starting to "see" the new me in the mirror. It does take a long time for the brain to catch up. It's still an iffy thing for me. I've learned to see myself in the mirror at home, but when I'm out, I still have to stop when I see myself and ask "Who the heck is that person?!" Sounds like your doing wonderfully! It will eventually just "click" one day!