The Mirror Vs. The Mind!

Mirrors much like scales can be at times your worst enemy! A few weeks ago I was at church and I heard one of my pastors say something along the lines of "who you think you are, may not be who you really are". That got me thinking and it came in the midst of this inner battle I've been having with my brain. I thought for the most part I've been handling these crazy changes pretty well with the occasional can't get out of my head moments but for some reason this most recent one has stuck with me longer than usual and It's bugging me! My husband usually has me look at a picture of myself from a year ago and that usually brings me back to reality! As of late though even when looking at pictures of my progress or I look in the mirror I see the 450 pound person I was a year ago! The scale still says I'm 150 pounds lighter but my mind doesn't seem to get it! I understand that my mind is going to need time to catch up to all the major changes that the last 10 months have brought with it, and thus far I've dealt with it all in strides and with a pretty level head...I think! I guess what I'm having a hard time with is why I physically see whether in pictures, the scale, clothes, or even really looking at myself a different, smaller me but my mind sees something else? I guess when you spend most of your life as one person you're almost conditioned to see yourself as that person even if you've changed. I look at all the different ways I've changed and maybe I'm having a problem with it because I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I'm treading in unknown territory, doing things I've never dreamed of doing, being the person I've never been in a lot of ways and it's very foreign to me. It's terrifying to see someone emerge that I kinda secretly hoped I would become but either was to afraid to become or never thought I was supposed to become! Am I that De conditioned mentally/psychologically that I'm afraid to become the person God intended for me to be? Maybe I am afraid of the person that's emerging because all my life I've thought of myself and seen myself as something else, something less. To see myself as the confident, happy, social, beautiful person that I'm becoming is surreal, almost like it's a dream that I'm going to wake up from and be back in that dark, unhappy place I was a year ago! The reality of it is, I'm not in that place anymore and I'm not that person anymore and as exhilarating and freeing as that is, it's also the most terrifying feeling for me. It's like I see the walls and the insecurities coming down and I feel like I'm scrambling to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild because I feel exposed and uncertain. It's confusing because I really like being that confident, genuinely happy person who has a passion for life! It's a struggle learning to love who I'm becoming and embracing this person and letting go of the chains and stop trying to rebuild the walls that have served no purpose other than to hold me back! It's hard breaking a lifetime of self doubt and image issues and it would be so much easier to put the walls back up and hide in the corner, but I know that God has me on this journey for a reason and I can't hide from that anymore, I don't want to! There's no easy way to make the changes to better your life and it's a constant struggle to be who you really are instead of who you think you are! God wants me to be more than what I've been and he wants me to see myself as he and others see me, as a beautiful, strong, confident woman who loves who she is and truly believes she deserves to be the person she's becoming!

Preparing for the unknown!

It's a human condition to want to know what lies ahead. The unknowns in life can be scary and unpredictable. No one knows what will happen or how we'll react and handle certain situations we're in. This year brings with it a lot of unknown and a lot of hope. This journey I've been on for the past 10 months has been full of surprises and unexpected outcomes that have impacted ever aspect of my life. It's no secret that my desire to be a mother is very strong! As I get healthier and take better care of myself the possibility of that dream is more real than ever. At 450 pounds that dream was nothing more than an unreachable goal that really made me feel like I was broken somehow. I felt like it would never happen no matter how much I wanted it to. My health and my weight made conceiving a child impossible. I always thought I'd have children young and didn't realize that I needed to be healthy and in a better place before I brought a child into this world. For the first time my body is functioning like it should and I understand now the reasons God had me wait. From day one, my choice to have bariatric surgery had very little to do with being skinny and everything to do with being healthy and being able to have children. It was advised that I wait a year after having surgery before trying to conceive and as I get closer to 1 year since surgery it's something that is on my mind. As I focus on being as healthy as I can be and taking the steps I need to take in order to have the best possibility of having children I'm faced with a lot of anxieties and worry. It's an emotional roller coaster and there are a lot of issues that I'm dealing with as we talk and think about starting our family. There are things that I am dealing with that complicate an already complicated process. As I do more research, read about other women who have been unable to conceive prior to bariatric surgery but who have gone on to have healthy babies post op I'm hopeful but scared! Aside from being a post op bariatric patient I deal with severe mental illness and chronic pain. I'm aware that if I want to even think about becoming pregnant I need to address the situations that could potentially be very dangerous. I take medications to manage my mental illness, most of which are unsafe to take during pregnancy. I addressed my desire to start a family with my psychiatrist and didn't expect the reaction I got from him. He flat out told me that it's a bad idea for me to be pregnant because I'll be unstable without my meds and since I can't take most psych meds while pregnant I just shouldn't do it! WOW, I wasn't sure how to react. I don't think he understood that I was fully aware of the risks associated with the situation and that I was asking him to help me find the safest plan. I'm faced with a great deal of anxiety over this and I find myself doubting whether or not I will be able to handle being pregnant and not on medications. Deep down I realize that I'm strong enough, I have enough support, and with God's help I'll be able to handle any situation that comes my way but the doubt and the fear still linger! As my physical health has improved so has my mental health! I'm no longer in a constant state of hopeless misery! I feel better about myself and although I know that I still have these mental health issues, I'm in a much better place now than I was then.  I'm in a state of panic and uncertainty because I've been on these medications for a long time and in the past (pre-op) have had some issues with being off of them. I've become dependent on them in so many ways to help keep me mentally stable. I'm not sure how or even if I'll be able to cope well without them and my poor husband tends to be on the receiving end of my frustrations and that's not how I want it to be and he doesn't deserve that! The more I think about it the more I realize I'm going to have to find some way to deal with whatever comes up in a healthy way. I can't turn to food anymore and I shouldn't be taking it out on my husband. I am joining a gym in hopes that by exercising more not only will I get stronger but it'll be a physical outlet that will help me manage. I'm also submersing myself in my music, writing, social interactions, therapy and a lot of prayer! God's brought me through some pretty tough times! I have faith that he'll bring me through this as well. I'm excited for the next chapter in our lives and look forward to becoming a mother! If it were only possible to turn off the chaos in my mind long enough but I know the reality of it is something I'll have to face! He's excited and wants very much to be a father and as we travel this journey together I know that It'll bring us closer together.

Supporting him!!

My husband has been contemplating having Bariatric surgery for a while. At first he was sure he wasn't going to and a lot of people assumed that just because I did that he would too. He's had weight issues as long as I've known him and has tried many many times to lose weight on his own and he's always had that mindset of wanting to keep trying without surgery and there's nothing wrong with that. His health has started to really affect him. He came to me one night about 4 months ago and asked me if I had any regrets about my choice and would I do it again. He's watched me go through a really rough time since I had surgery and he's seen both the ups and the downs that have come with it. I told him that without a second thought I'd do it again because the fact was, I was really sick and well on my way to an early grave if I didn't do something immediately! He has always done so much for me, I want to be as healthy as I can so that he has the wife he deserves to have. I want to be around for him and to be able to give him babies and live a long healthy life for not only myself but the ones that I love! He has made the decision with much thought and much prayer to start the process of having WLS. He's been through all the steps and is hoping to have surgery within the next few months! I'm so excited for him because I know how hard he's worked and I know he deserves to be healthy and happy! He's done such an amazing job at taking care of me and now I get to give that back to him and help take care of him as he starts his journey to being healthier! I've always told him that it's his choice and it's something that only he can decide on and I've never tried to convince him to have surgery because it's such a personal choice and it's not for everyone. I'm glad that I've inspired him to want to be healthier for himself and our life together! I'm so proud of him for everything he does and for wanting to be healthier because it's not an easy change for anyone who has goals for better health and a better life. We both want to be around to have children, watch them grow up and be as healthy as we can be in order to live the life we're meant to live. We've started really talking about starting a family and what that looks like for us. For me it's a whole mix of emotions because for a long time we've been trying and I've always felt "broken" for not being able to give him a child. I know that God has his timing and that I needed to get myself healthy before bringing a baby into this world. As I've lost weight my body has responded and is now functioning the way it should be which gives me hope that conceiving is so much more of a possibility now than it was before. So many changes and so much to look forward to! God's doing some major renovations in our lives and I'm excited to see what this year holds for my husband and I!

Finding lost passions!!

Have you ever lost your passion for something? I used to be so passionate about so many things and somehow I lost a lot of those things that used to light a fire in my soul. In some ways there was still a flicker, a yearning for these things but I let life get in the way, I let so many things smother the flames until they were nothing more than smoldering ash. I was the queen of procrastination and excuses as to why I had let these passions fade. Whether it was I don't feel good today so I'll do it when I feel better, or I'm not good at it anymore, it's been to long, or some other embarrassing reason. Two of my greatest passions, playing piano and writing I have let slip away and although I keep the occasional online blog I found I don't actually write much anymore. I used to love writing poetry, and keeping a journal and haven't put pen to paper in such a long time. Playing the piano was something that I was never great at but I loved it, self taught I learned by copying what I heard or by reading through some of my mother's teaching books as a kid. As I got older the love for it was still there, but something always got in the way of me really learning anything and advancing as a piano player! Since this transformation began I'm noticing so many shifts in my personality, my thinking, how I relate and communicate with others and my desire for things has changed. To say that every fiber of my being has been affected by this journey would be the understatement of a lifetime! As the pounds drop I notice myself becoming a different person, or maybe it's me becoming the person I'm supposed to be, either way I hardly recognize me! Of course I look like me, sound like me but there are things that are surfacing that I never thought would be...well me! There are things about me that I remember that I'm now seeing again, like a best friend who's been out of touch for years but is now back! It sounds strange but I feel things again, not just feeling but FEELING, with my soul. I didn't realize how much I had let my love for life get away from me. My husband has always supported my passions whatever they may be at the moment and has always encouraged me to pursue them. This Christmas/Birthday he blew me away and has brought two of my greatest passions back into my life. He surprised me with a journal and a piano with the hopes that this transformation I've been going through would inspire me to reconnect with some of the things I love to do! It's like he's in my head when I'm secretly wishing I had a really nice journal and a piano to play again. I had forgotten so much about playing the piano it was almost embarrassing, some songs I could play well and others...not so much!  Instead of giving up or getting frustrated like usual I decided that it was time I relearned what I had lost. The piano has always been an escape for me, a stress release and writing is as well, it's how I share my thoughts, my story, it's how the mess in my mind comes unraveled! I'm finding old passions again and discovering new ones every day and it's an amazingly freeing feeling! The intensity I always dreamed, thought, wrote about is now becoming who I am and as scary as that is, with God's help and a lot of patience I will embrace who I'm becoming and trust that it's who I am supposed to be!

Let Go of the Old, Celebrate the New!!

So it's the last day of 2010 and I'm sure all of us are reflecting on this past year to some degree. I think about where I was Dec. 31, 2009, what were my thoughts and hopes? I honestly don't remember and in my wildest dreams couldn't have imagined life going where it has this last year. If I were to use one word to explain 2010 is would be WOW! This year has proven that I'm not in control and what I mean by that is that as much as I try to be the navigator and controller of my life and my journey, again and again I'm reminded that life doesn't go as planned and where you thought you'd be...you aren't! The feeling about this year is similar to the one I had when I sat in the front seat of Space Mountain, it being the first time I'd ever been on that ride, no one warned me it was a roller coaster..IN THE DARK!!! Sitting there in the front seat of that ride and being so sure that I was going to go plummeting into the dark below. I didn't of course and as I look back on this year I see those moments where I've been looking into black oblivion not knowing which way is which or when it would end. It's been that kind of year with so many ups and downs and twists and turns and here I sit, my head spinning trying to make sense and absorb all of it.
My year started with a hope and a determination to have some kind of a break through in my life. Every year we begin by making our resolutions and we're so sure that that year would be the one when our lives would change in awesome ways. Every year since I can remember I'd write in my journal about what I was certain I was going to do and every year like the one before most of what I had said I was going to do, was a distant thought or a lingering regret. I don't know what it was that finally lit a serious fire under my ass to stop talking and thinking about making changes and actually be intentional about really making them!! Sometimes it takes a serious wake up call for us to "GET" it that change needs to happen and soon. I had NO clue as to how much needed to and would change over the year and how much different I as a person would be. I risked everything to take a chance on something that could either kill me or be the help I needed to save myself from death! That one choice put in motion something that I can't even begin to explain. It started with my health than became so much more about me as a person, how I felt about myself and all the freight my life came with had to be dealt with! So with the support of my wonderful husband, amazing friends and others who have entered my life I made the choice to let go of what was, step outside of the world I was so comfortable in all my life and take on life head on without hiding. Scary stuff really, it's like the dream we all have going to school/work and realizing you're naked, completely vulnerable and exposed! I'm used to closing up and receding into isolation because that's my comfortable, safe place to be. God may not always give me what I want, but he has never failed to give me what I need. Of course as human as I am, I ignored all the in your face signs and concerns, I figured I'd be able to handle it...WRONG! As I began to lose weight after WLS things I had pushed so far down were starting to come up and I was beginning to feel exposed and vulnerable. The difference is, when the feelings of fear, failure, and doubt came up this time, something in me became angry at how I'd let those feeling control me for so long! I let it keep me from having the life I'd dreamed of and prayed for. God had bigger plans for me than I've had for myself. 2010 I became a new person both inside and out! I've finally taken back my power and allowed myself to be who I deserve to be. It's a scary thing to let go of the protection we hold so tightly to. I just turned 29 and I feel better than I did at 19!! As this year ends I look at the journey I've been on this year and how so many different emotions and feelings have showed up, testing and shaking every fiber of my being! I'm reminded how lucky I am to have been given a second chance at life and how so many people don't get that. I look at where I am and I'm grateful for all that I have been blessed with! So, I end this year 146 pounds lighter, a whole lot healthier, a lot smarter, stronger, and determined to break the chains that will no longer define me or who I am! I'm learning not to take life so seriously, to love with all I have, to live everyday to the fullest and to smile and know that I'm beautiful! So here's to letting go of what was and embracing this moment and loving each other with all we have and remembering what matters most in this life! I'm excited for what the New Year holds and look forward to living every moment of it with passion and love!

A LOT to be Thankful for!

I have so much to be thankful for today and I'm on the verge of tears because of how blessed I feel! This year has been an amazing, scary, challenging year and it's been one heck of a ride!  Today I reached a milestone goal! I'm no longer 300 pounds!! I couldn't be more thankful for that!! I'm thankful for my husband who's loved me unconditionally and stood by me through it all and who continues to support and love me like crazy! I'm thankful for life, for the chance to get to live it, for my health which continues to improve every day, for the journey that has changed me as a person and made me so much stronger and brought out who I deserve to be! For all the love and support I have in my life, all the people who surround me and lift me up and encourage me daily! For the beautiful home that I get to share with those that I love. It's easy to get caught up in the mess that is life but we need to stop, take a deep breath and remember all the little things in life that we take for granted every day! I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving! 

Soul Shaking Changes!

It's been a bit since my last blog. Life has it's way of keeping me busy or maybe I'm intentionally busy because for the first time I feel like doing more than nothing at all. I'm working on getting a normal sleep schedule which seems to be working pretty well for the time being. I've always been a night person and suffer from chronic insomnia most of the time. I have to take medication to help me sleep or I just don't. I wish it wasn't so and I've tried many many things but none have worked so I take the meds and am able to sleep at night. We just moved into a beautiful home, it's finally a place I can feel proud of and make a home instead of just a place we happen to keep our stuff at. It's close enough to everything yet it's far enough away that it's quiet and calm.  I'm purging and getting rid of things in my life that serve no purpose. Starting over and it feels so good to be able to do that!  The last 7 weeks or so I've been on a spiritual, mental, emotional journey that ties into the physical changes I'm going through. The church I go through does a series once a year called Pathways and it's geared toward really looking at life and being intentional about living the life you deserve to live. This year I really got involved with it because I felt that during this time in my life where I was making major changes in my physical health, my spiritual and mental health needed attention and I really needed to evaluate where I was in my path and where I wanted to go. Every week was something different, something that challenged me to think and to focus on my holistic self as well as my physical self. It's really opened my eyes and brought me out of the shell I've been in for years. In 2003 I fell and injured my back, this changed everything! I lost a lot of my independence, my mobility decreased and physically and mentally it was the beginning of a long spiral which was clearly leading to an early grave. I became agoraphobic, afraid of people, afraid of ANY social situations. I wasn't able to work anymore and that took a toll on me in so many ways. I can remember having these recurring dreams that I was going back to work but I couldn't do my job right or I kept messing up or something would keep me from doing what I was supposed to do! This dream would happen over and over again and it was depressing. It was during this time that I discovered that I was Bipolar. Traumatic events can bring about dormant issues and looking back a lot of things make more sense now. I became very depressed, anxious, secluded, moody and didn't know how to deal with any of it. There were Dr's and even family members who told me it was all in my head and that I just wanted attention or to be the victim. I was on more medication than anyone my age should ever have to be on and I was sick and miserable. I was desperate for any way out, anything that would help and I didn't know where to look or who to turn to. It wasn't until 3 years ago that I started really thinking about what my life had become and how much I was missing out on. Thanks to a dear friend I found what I needed....Faith!!
My story is far from over and I'm finally at a place where my soul is at peace and I feel so much better than I ever have. As I become closer to God, my husband, my friends and as I emerge as the woman I've always wanted to be I can't help but smile and wonder what's next. Whatever it is, I know that I'll get through it and I'll be a stronger, better person!